Ölü Cilt
by vanarella
Summary: If I drown, let me sink. If I'm lost, don't find me. You're always screwing me up, making me feel like shit and loved at the same time... And in the end, why can't I let you go? Why?[GakuKai/Future Rape/M/Bully!Gakupo]
1. prologue: let me sink

_I remembered that very day ever so clearly, when I first met him..._

* * *

**x**

_It was snowing that very February. I listened to the sound of kid's shoes crushing with the snow as they happily ran around in the snow-filled park. They were sliding down slides, climbing ropes, sliding down the pole and taking everything in the park for granted to make the most of their childhood. I sighed, my little breath making a small cloud in the air before it dispersed into the ether. I watched the other kids swinging on the swings, going high before swooping down and laughing happily; I envied them for being able to swing by themselves, without a parent or anyone needing to push them. It looked so easy, and I felt hopeless not being able to do such an easy thing. I was just glad not much people were in the park and I wasn't crying even though my eyes were stinging. I just sat there on the swing sadly, staring at my dark blue gumboots, feeling utterly stupid of myself... But I was a naïve, easily-trusting kid, so it wasn't that much of a big deal... Compared to now.._

_"Nee," a voice from behind broke me from my reverie. The voice sounded so pretty. Sounded so gentle, so caring, so harmless..._

_naïve,_  
_naïve,_  
**_naïve little child._**

_"Do you want me to push you? I wanna swing, too."_

_I turned my head around to see the owner of the voice, and that's when I saw him for the first time. He was so beautiful at first glance... Well, in my dense, childish eyes. His purple hair was tied into a small loose braid and his big blue eyes stared at me almost warmly and curiously. I knew I had become infatuated with him at first sight; his appearance, his voice and his unconditional kindness, he was amazing..._

_He was so kind back then..._

_I nodded, and almost immediately, I let a huge smile take on my lips. "Yeah, thanks!" I giggled and gripping the swing's ropes and I let him push my back as I soared into the air, the cold wintry air filled with happy laughter of two happy children. It always seemed like whenever I found some source of happiness, it had to be withered._

_stupid,_  
_stupid,_  
_**stupid little child**_

_it was obvious he'd choose popularity over you._

* * *

"Haha, little fuck!" Gakupo sneered while his gang cackled along with him as he slammed his fist into my cheek, leaving a banishing red mark. My back thudded against the toilet stall and my head drooped to one side like a rag doll. Although my eyes were swollen from a punch in the eye — both, actually — I saw Gakupo and his gang of people laugh at me cruelly. There was Yuuma, Len, Mikuo in their ripped jeans, Meiko in her short, slutty red plaid skirt and her tiny black tube top, Luka in her baggy brown camo jeans and an identical tube top with her trademark brown bandana in her hair and lastly, Gakupo.

The boy who I trusted, the boy who I loved with all my heart.

His warm smile had twisted into this tantalizing, cruel smirk, his blue eyes that were once warm and kind had faded into cold and cruel, his hair deforming out neatness and splaying everywhere on his shoulders and his personality had sunk this low.

_disgusting,  
disgusting,  
**foul bastard.**_

I didn't dare whimper or cry or do anything I had wanted to do this very moment. Just cringe and huddle into a ball as I heard their shrill laughter grow even harder, Gakupo's being the loudest out of all their distinguished voices.

"Poor little Kai-chan," he said in a mocking voice, "being cursed by being eternally ugly and fuckin' retarded!"

The laughing became even harder, and I heard a slap of an object being hit against Gakupo's hand. I shakily exhaled my air as I'm spared pain for a quick moment, but it isn't worth it because I gasp when I feel something bat hard against my face. A baseball bat, I think bitterly as I flop to the ground. A steel one.

"Hey, maybe you should take a break and drink some water!" Yuuma smirked and grabbed me by my tattered school blazer and dunked my head in the lavatory bowl. I struggled to breathe and I desperately fought to get out, but it was nearly impossible with Yuuma's hand clutching my hair and pushing me in and Gakupo's foot pressing on my back. The water stung my wounds and I was relieved when Yuuma pulled my hair back so I can breathe for a mere three seconds before he pushed me back in.

'go die. go die. go die. go die. GO DIE GO DIE GO DIE GODIEGODIEGODIE.' The words starts again in my head and now I can hear the deranged laughter in my head.

Psychosis. It's what I'm diagnosed with. It means that I'm that mentally insane that I can't tell the mental images in my head apart from the ones in real life, so I hear voices and laughter and I see cruel images.

... Maybe if Gakupo was just an image in my mind, I would've been able to

_just_  
_let_  
_go._  
**and be free.**

There's a kick to my head, and it's definitely a high heeled boot rattling with chains, so it's no doubt it's Meiko. They all start laughing again and then they finally leave the bathroom, but there's only one who stays.

"Go die, nobody wants you, you're just a worthless piece of shit and nobody'll notice if you're gone, anyway," his voice isn't mocking or cruel or tantalizing, it's just cold and hard, like I really should. Another kick to the chest and he leaves me, like a piece of crumpled trash on a deserted street, unneeded and unwanted.

Maybe...

Maybe I should... There's no one there who loves me anymore, I'm not needed. Mom and dad died nearly six years ago and my flatmate, the reason why I'm going to this school, sexually molests me whenever he gets the chance.

Another fucking slash to my wrist.

**_if i drown, at least let me sink._**

* * *

**THINGS VANA SHOULD BE DOING:**

- Working on a request that's slightly overdue

- Lining my art piece

- Practising piano

- Cook something because I AM FUCKING HUNGRY.

**A/N: **But, instead, I did this story. I got this idea a couple a days ago, when I was listening to L'Amore Un'altra Cosa and I found an old game i used to play, Bully. So yeah, I'm sorry for the request delays and my delaying on updates. I now have an idea of what to write next for MMLM (it's a tournament -wink-) and I'm still clueless as to where to go for Thank You.

The title lit. means 'love another thing' in Italian. It was supposed to be 'Bounded by Chains' but whoopy doo who gives a poo. I suggest you listen to the song, its pretty C:

You know, I realise in many stories, Kaito is usually the one that gets bad things happening to him. In Cubism, he has to deal with the most fucking annoying and hottest stepbrother ever, Thank You, he has to deal with his past and Gaku... My Masters Love Me, where he has to deal with three sadistic masters and I have two upcoming stories; Midnight Fights and Skökans Klagan, which is Swedish for 'Harlot's Lament'. (I have no idea why it's in Swedish like WHAT)

And bad things always happen to him. Poor guy XD

whatever. I hope you guys enjoy this prologue, and don't worry, there's three or two or even ONE more chapters before we move to the romance side c;

OH YEAH, I based the start on Ditsie-chan's prompt thingy, so thanks to her, a lot -huggle-

YES I PROMISE THERE WILL BE A NEW STORY AND THERES NO ANGST AT ALL BECAUSE IT'S FIVE FOOT TWO TWENTY TWO YEAR OLD TRAP SINGER KAITO SHION WHO PEOPLE DONT KNOW IF HES A BOY OR A GIRL LIKE WHAT AND GAKU ENDS UP FALLING FOR HIM AND WHO DOESNT LOVE THAT IDEK

**tumblr**: fanfiction-ruined-my-life

Bye, please RR/FF for me QUQ

_Va-chan_


	2. ch 1: life is precious

_'cause these **words** are knives and often **leave scars**_

_the _**_fear of falling apart_**

_and truth be told, I _**never** was yours

_the fear, the **fear** of falling **apart**_

_**- **this is gospel, [ panic! at the disco]_

* * *

_If there was one thing I had learnt today, it was to never say 'go die' to someone, whether it be as a joke or a taunt or whatever. Every life is precious._

* * *

I have wasted my life with sin, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and brothels. I have no regrets. I have burnt the things that have kept me pure and they have long dispersed into ashes. Every GameBoy Color game I've owned, every basketball, every soccer ball and every childhood clothing I have. Engulfed by red, yellow and orange embers of flames, flickering them away until it becomes totally nothing. Just urn and ashes as the remnants of it. I do not need to be childish anymore and I do not need _any _"true" happiness in my life because _I've _already found my happiness; stealing money off my mother, telling her it's for highschool studies when it's really just for slipping it in some whore's g-string or buying off a hooker, doing drugs and smoking every weekend and having sex every night to forget my bitter sin and worries for whatever I have caused._  
_

I don't think about all the people who've I've hurt and especially not _him, _the one I have hurt the most. Every time I look at him, there's this weird air of sentimentalism and nolstagia, like I absolutely _must _remember like if my life has depended on him. There is something I completely need to remember but no matter how many times I try, it just never works.

Here we are, in the bathroom again as we surround the familiar bluenet with condescending sneers. Mikuo whacks the baseball bat in his hand several times before he lets it swing right across Kaito's face hard. He flops to the ground, yet the diamonds of tears are still trapped away in his eyes. Growling, I pick him up by the collar and pin him to the wall and I land a hard punch in his gut and I finally get what I want as the crystal tears tumble down his cheeks. I have noticed a pattern. As hard as Luka, Meiko, Mikuo, Len or Yuuma may hit several times, his tears are always saved away until I do something to him, no matter now light I hit him, the tears easily break from his face. Yuuma grunts and knee him between his legs, and when his knees fall to the tiles, he digs his foot onto his back as the boy grunts some more. As much as we've hurt him, we still are not done as Len drags him up and smashes his head into the wall and when he pulls back, I see jasper blood is starting to emit from where his forehead was smashed. This was repeated several times and nearly half of his forehead was smeared and trickled with the deep crimson liquid I've learnt to see pleasure from. He shoves him back to the ground and we nod at each other.

"We are done here." I say finally. "Let's go and leave this fucking fag to die." Meiko and Luka snort and they walk off, and Yuuma, Len and Mikuo trail behind them. As usual, I am the last person in the bathroom to leave as I stare at the disorientated figure with a mixture of bitter hatred, disgust and remorse. "Cheap, dirty whore. Just go die." I growl at him, giving him a kick in the chest before I leave the lavatories.

I acknowledge the two guys on my right. "He's in the bathroom, as promised." I mumble to them. They both grin slyly.

"Thanks, man. We owe you one."

"Anytime."

They both barge into the bathroom and I silently wait for a few minutes, leaning against a wall. It's deathly silent, until a scream echoes through the bathroom and through the door that separated myself from them.

_"AAAAAHHH! NO, PLEASE! STOP, PLEASE! NO! HELP ME! AAAAAAHH!"_

I smirk before I quietly leave the hallways, and even then his echoes can be heard.

* * *

I hate him. I fucking hate him so much. He is a cockroach in a field of snow drops, he is coal in a mine of diamonds and he should just take everyone's advice and go fucking die where even then no one loves him. So much bitterness and remorse comes to me whenever I see him, which is why I have taken to hitting and hurting him, just to see his transparent tears and his deep red blood trickle away from him. But there is a small tinge of fondness and love when I see him, but I cannot figure out why as I have had no fond memories with him. Or any have I remembered.

I've hated him since seventh grade when all he ever did was greet me kindly.

_And then, hurting him became my drug. An addiction my subconscious wants me to stop._

_Amnesia is a fucking asshole._

* * *

It's Sunday, February 21st. The sun is beginning to set and the sky is a dissipating mix of pink, purple, yellow and tinges of scattered orange. The sun is setting against the horizon and the sea is glistening underneath the cliff and the polluted, murky waves overlap each other, crashing against the bedrock.

Yuuma is holding up our usual victim and he's holding the boy's arms behind his back and he's lifted off a few inches off the ground. As much as he tries to struggle, he's safely bound so he can't escape. The two are standing near the edge of the cliff and the rest of us are surrounding him. We take in turns, kicking, punching and slapping him, telling him bitter words that sting like acid.

I've quickly forgotten about how precious life is, taking them for granted as I punch him deeply in the stomach. He collapses to the ground, his knees tumbling on the cliff but Yuuma still has a firm grip on him.

"JUST GO DIE!" I yell at him, kicking at him up his chin. "YOU'RE JUST SCUM! YOU'RE NOT NEEDED IN THIS WORLD!" With every word I scream with passion and fury, I hit him again and again. "EVERYONE HATES YOU, SO JUST GO FUCK YOURSELF AND DIE!"

"NO ONE WILL REMEMBER YOU!"

"DIE, YOU BASTARD! YOUR FACE BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN ME!"

_because there is romantic sentimentalism that lies in your sapphire eyes that I hate so much_

"JUST — GO — FUCKING — DIE!" I scream and hit him as hard as I can, which sends him flying just to the edge of the cliff. Yuuma has let go of him and I sigh, trying to replenish my energy as I just took it all out on him.

There's complete silence.

"Then... I guess I'll die." I look up and see the boy is trying his best to stand up despite how hard he's been hit multiple times.

_what?_

"Because I can't imagine a world where you're not smiling."

_what's going on?_

"I'd do anything for you, even if it means killing myself." He says warmly and sincerely with a small smile on his chapped, broken lips and a wistful look in his fabricated eyes.

_what's he saying?_

"My death is due now." He finally says with a sigh.

_why is that abyss in my stomach getting bigger?_

"But I wanted to thank you for that very day. February sixteen, do you remember? When we were five? You pushed me on the swing because I was too weak to do it myself?" He laughs sadly and sentimentally.

_February sixteen... There's that date..._

_what's going on?_

_**swings**..._

"So thank you so much for that, for showing me kindness that day."

_snow comes to **my mind.**_

"But I guess this means goodbye. Thank you so much, Gaku-chan. I hope to see you smile more." And without a word of warning, he steps away until he falls off the cliff.

_then everything pieces in._

_february sixteen._

_it was snowing_

_i was pushing a kid on a swing—_

_kaito._

_Kaito._

_**KAITO**!_

All the memories finally flood back into my mind and I remember every bit of memory I had.

"KAITO!" I scream.

"NO, KAITO! PLEASE! NO, NO, NO! I'M SO SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! PLEASE! STOP! COME BACK!" Tears are flowing nonstop and I can taste the bitter salt in them as I reminiscent what has happened ever since I met him thirteen years ago. "NO, NO, NO, NO!" I scream and I hear the splash of the ocean and I know that he's already fallen into the sea. Even though I know he's sinking into the abyss of the deep, I still scream.

"COME BACK, PLEASE! KAITO! KAITO, KAITO, KAITO! NO, PLEASE! THIS WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!"

_Then the words I've been trying to say for a decade and three years come out my mouth._

"PLEASE! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! DON'T GO! I HAVE SO MUCH TO TELL YOU!

I buckle to my knees and I sob hysterically, not caring about my pride and ego and all the people around me, I don't bother to trap any sound I make and I instead let them fill the pink-orange sky as tears are running everywhere down my face and I cry for him to come back, even though it's hopeless.

"N-no... I-I-I love you so much... Do you even know how much? I-I-I'm s-so sorry, I n-never meant to do this if I had remembered... W-why? I-I'm so sorry..."

"Just come back... One more chance... I want to see you again, see you smile and laugh again... Please... I live for you, Kaito... Wh-why did I forget? Pl-please... Just come back... I-I'll kiss away your tears and I'll tell you I love you everyday... Ju-just don't go..."

* * *

_"I love you." I told him as we lay side by side, shoulders nearly touching as he plucked deftly at his acoustic guitar, singing along to his favorite song. Despite us only being twelve years old, I already had strong feelings for him._

_He stopped completely, the song immediately silencing as he stared at me thoughtfully. Then a smile came on to his face as he leaned on my shoulder and I laced one hand around his waist. "I love you too, Gaku." He said, finally as he gently pressed his lips to mine for a short second before he broke away shyly._

_"When the world gets too heavy_

_Put it on my back_

_I'll be your levy_

_You are taking me apart_

_Like bad glue_

_On a get well card"_

* * *

_we were so happy back then..._

* * *

**A/N:** You probably hate me by now but let me tell you that this story isn't finished! I'm sorry again, but I'll try and update soon. Way more angst to come your way, though. Prepare yourself! I feel like this is rushed by idc it's twelve am and I am so fucking tired but I have to finish the Christmas smut and a lot of other shit so I'll edit this later idk.

on a completely different note, what if you guys are reading something completely different and we all have different lives and we all see something different and fanfiction isn't called fanfiction in your world I donT KNOW IM TIRED.

Thanks to my reviewers! I'm happy you guys like this story C:

See you in the next chap~

- Vana


	3. ch 2: live your life in guilt

i'll **be there** as soon as i can,

but I'm _busy mending broken_

_**pieces of the life**_ I had _before_

- unintended [muse]

* * *

The room is dark and desolated. The curtains have been drawn, only slivers of moonlight reclining on the dark carpet. The bed is made neatly, pillows aligned and blankets drawn over. Dress shoes stand near the door and a jacket is sprawled on the floor, isolated and the only thing out of place. My bruised lips emit a sigh, my fingers clasping tightly on the plain white bedsheets and my hair covering my eyes, only crevices able to be seen.

It was April, exactly two months after I had tried to attempt suicide and I miserably failed as just two weeks ago, I had woken up on a hospital bed. If that person who tried to save me could only waited ten more seconds, I'd be able to fall into the darkness and meet my death.

But I hadn't. The person let me live so it could still hurt even then and I'd have to survive in this dark, cruel world for longer than I wanted to. I desired to clip my life short, but all that person did was extend my life and instead, let me into a coma for temporary death.

Two months of pure darkness could still hurt me even then.

I have no appetite for sleeping as worries and intruding thoughts swallow up my mind and frankly, after sleeping for two months straight, a few days without sleep wouldn't kill me.

The hallways are dimly lit just in the crevice underneath my door, the faint orange light seeping its way in. But then, shadows flicker its way through the orange light and it stands there for a brief moment before I hear the knob turning and a figure walking in my room in a solemn, grave manner.

It's him.

He stares hopelessly around the room, not knowing of my very existence in my own dormitory and he lets out a shaky sigh.

"Why..." He whispers to himself and his knees fall to the ground, his figure hunching as he covers his face with his hands, strands of his dirty, faded purple hair falling all over his shoulders and back. As he covers his face with his hands, even so, tears still leak out through the slits and few faint red marks draw across his wrists.

He's been cutting himself.

"Why are you here." I finally demand, my voice surprising myself at the unintended loudness. Nearly immediately, his hands swiftly remove from his face and he stared at me, his soulless eyes staring at me wide-eyed before he dashes to me and embraces me into a tight hug as we both fall on the bed. His tears starts to run on my neck and he caresses my hair as if we're lovers. His lips start to press against my neck, leaving soft and gentle kisses on me and he holds me tighter.

"Don't act as if we're lovers." I growl and surge up enough strength to forcefully push him off, glaring at him with disgust and remorse. "Hell, don't even try and act like we're friends after all you've done."

"Kaito—"

"NO! Don't even as much as say my name, you fucking basta—"

Lips meet my own and I crash against the bed again, Gakupo spread atop me as he gives me a fiery, passionate kiss with tongue and teeth. I don't respond to his kiss and possibly about a minute later, he breaks and looks at me, with the warm, familiar look I haven't seen in six years appears on his face and makes my heart clench for just a moment before I remember all the bad things that happened to me.

"Kaito?"

"..."

It's so silent. So silent that you can hear the crickets chirping outside.

"..."

"You're disgusting."

"Wh-what?"

"Thinking you can just kiss me like I still love you, huh?! After you've gotten me raped several times and mentally and physically abused, you still have the wit to kiss me?!"

"J-just listen, Kait—"

"No! I don't want to listen to you because you were never there! You never comforted me in my darkest times... Y-you didn't even care about me when my parents died, you fucking asshole, because you're always hurting me!"

"... What..." He's at a loss for words as he stands there, frozen as I mention my parents. "You mean ojichan and obachan... W-when, Kaito?"

"You have no right to call them that."

"Why didn't you tell me?!"

"Since when would you care, anyway?! Since when did you even care about me?! You won't care that I get sexually abused by my flatmate and all the shit that's happening in my life, so don't even bother trying to act like you care about me because we both know that you don't!"

"K-Kaito, I—"

"SHUT UP! Why didn't you just let me fucking die?! If I could die, I could just fucking live in peace! Just let me die, why won't you let me?! I HATE YOU! I-I hate you so much..." My voice drops to a faint whisper and I feel warm tears starting to drop on my lap.

"Y-you hate me...?" His voice is nothing but a soft tremble.

"Yes, I hate you! Now shut up and fuck off! I don't ever want to see your face, ever again!"

"Then what the fuck was all that thank you crap before you tried to attempt suicide, huh?! Don't pretend you fucking hate me because we both know you don't!"

"Guilt, you asshole! I wanted you to spend your whole goddamn life in guilt, to see what I had to bear with everyday!" I glare at him one last time, his knees buckling on the ground and tears burning his eyes.

Apathy...

Misery...

"... I didn't know I had hurt you this much... I loved you so much, but all I did was just cause pain to you, huh..? I-I'm so sorry, Kaito... I'll leave." He said finally and stands up slowly, his face grave and emotionless as he walks over to the door. He disappears behinds the mahogany door and quietly closes it and goes off to his own room.

That night, as I reclined in bed, I was barely able to get sleep because the sound of someone sobbing like a child next door.

No guilt has been done.

* * *

"Alright, alright! Settle down, the bell's already rung!" Class was buzzing the next day. only had I been "miraculously brought back to life" (which was ironic because three quarters of the school wanted me dead), but there was a new transfer student and that was partially rare since our boarding school rarely had them.

I sat at the row of back seats, pretending to read; to block my eyes away, but even then, I couldn't escape because he will always follow me.

**stare**

"Please welcome our new transfer student, everyone," she announces and a figure stepped in; a slight mirror image of me except he had fiery red hair and blazing auburn eyes. Despite his gruff appearance with his Black Veil Brides top, worn-out sandals and rugged jeans, he seemed like a pretty nice guy with the way he smiled happily at us.

I darted my eyes around the classroom around and even dared to take a peep at Gakupo and I had not at all expected his reaction. His eyes were surprised, wide with shock and his mouths were parted slightly.

He must've known this guy.

"Hello. My name is Akaito and I recently transferred from the neighbouring school. It's very nice to meet you all." He said politely and briefly, bowed down.

"Alright, Akaito-san, please sit next to Kaito-san at the back." I raised my hand so he could see me briefly and know where to sit.

He lugged his bag along, his arms full of textbooks as he sat next to me, shuffling and arranging his stationary until he's all organized for our French lesson. The class was murmuring quietly about the new guy next to me.

...

A few minutes into our lesson and I attempt to read the chicken scratch; only to fail, but Akaito next to me listened attentively and his notebook was already full of this language we're forced to learn.

Quietly, while the teacher was speaking fluent French, he wrote something on a post-it and quietly handed it to me.

'It's been a while.'

I take out a Sharpie and flip the post-it around.

'It has.'

* * *

**A/N**: wow rlly short chapter lol sorry but shit will actually happen next chapter. um thanks to all the people who are reviewing this so far I love you a lot okay KISSUUU

um I've already planned that this story will have 13 - 15 chapters and a darker sequel. Since I know what will happen in every chapter, this should be relatively easy and it should be wrapped up soon enough. Look! I'm already typing up the next chapter (ugh but first I have to finish off セレンヂピチ, but it comes as whenever I feel like it.

On a completely different note, here's a random ramble about my OTP (GakuKai).

I'm kinda possessive over Gakupo dating someone who's not Kaito, but I can tolerate Gakupo x Kaiko and Gakupo x Mizki (slightly)... And both of them aren't particularly popular ahaha. For Kaito, I'm alright with shipping him with anyone (except for Miku lol). LuKaito, KaiRin and KaiMei (THIS! IS! MY! HET! OTP!) are pretty cute and probably the only girls I ship him with fully... And I like Kaito a lot in yaoi ships, but the only exception that he's ukeee~ (really aha I can't imagine him as some sexy smirking seme lol leave that to Gakupo or somethin')

Now that we're on this topic, I recently took a seme-uke test on the interwebs and I got the don't-fuck-with-me seme. Ditsie got an opportunist seme XDD I was rlly surprised... (The questions were really weird...)

Well... I hope Soundwave 2014 will be aired on TV, I wanna see my bbies FOB and PATD live.

I guess that ends my irrelevant ramble! See you in the next uvu (also, go check out LUAUC: When I'm 24. it's a semi prequel about Gakupo and Kaito's childhood together. Just really weird fluff and strangeness)

**Ditsie**: I beta'd. Vana is nice. Talk to Vana. She likes people. Do it. *disappears*

INTROVERT IN INTERNET, EXTROVERT IN REAL LIFE, IM HANNAH MONTANAAAA

Byee!

- Vana


	4. ch 3: euphoric jealousy

**::**

**l'amore un'altra cosa**

**© Vanarella, 2014**

**::**

* * *

and _every time_ I see **you**, I **crave more**  
I _wanna pull you closer_  
closer, **closer**, _loser_  
but **_you leave me_** feeling _frozen_

- Malchik Gay [tATu]

* * *

I am a jealous person. I am now, I was in the past and I will always be like that. There is nothing to change about that.

I think my jealousy started when Kaito introduced Akaito to me. I knew nothing about him like I knew about Kaito's friends in school, but that was because Akaito was in Kaito's after-school art class. We used to play together then, just the three of us, but whenever Akaito was there, Kaito would always talk to him more and he'd only briefly say 'isn't that right, Gaku?' just to not make me feel left out — but he still did. Whenever it was just me and Kaito hanging out in his room, Akaito would always barge in and talk about something else... One day, I couldn't stand it anymore so as soon as Akaito left and Kaito started to talk to me normally, I pushed him rather roughly and reprimanded that he liked Akaito more than myself before running bsck home into a sobbing mess.

Kaito would always go to my home and knock on the door every time I had my jealous outbursts and in that quiet, soothing and somewhat quavery voice, tell him that he did like me more than Akaito. I would eventually forgive him, even after a long period of time that Kaito tried to play with me again, but as soon as I apologized, he soon went back to talking to Akaito and the whole thing would repeat itself.

Now, he was back...

* * *

The changes in Kaito's physical and mental appearance was drastic and somewhat shocking. His hair grew healthy, his eyes were large and soulful, his figure was still bony but it was healing bit by bit and his lips were plump and healthy as he smiled. It's been two or three months since the ordeal, but things could change a lot more as I noticed how happy he looked. Myself, Luka, Mikuo, Len, Yuuma and Meiko didn't talk as much as we used to and we rarely hung out now that Yuuma was dating the math teacher and Mikuo and Len were in the fencing club so they scarcely had any time. Meiko and Luka... The easiest way to say it was that they became Kaito and Akaito's fangirls and since the two begun hanging out, lots of people were starting to warm up to them.

That was the thing about Akaito. As grungy and punk-ish he may look, he was a cheerful guy, had a great personality and excelled in most of his subjects.

The hallways was desolated and only a few people stuck around to wait. Now that it was autumn break, most people had gone and there were the few people who had to wait to get picked up— and that included Akaito and Kaito.

I watched them remorsefully, a scowl growing on my lips as Kaito said something to Akaito and disappeared into the bathroom. As soon as he did that, the smile wept away from his face immediately and he stared right at me, his glare like daggers into mine. Then slowly, he approached me until we were only a few centimeters away from each other.

"Something happened between you and Kaito." He reprimanded firmly, his arms crossed tightly against his chest. "Tell me what happened."

"You don't deserve to know," I replied icily and he bared a growl.

"There is something wrong between you two. Whenever I ask about you to Kaito, he ignores it and looks like he wants to kill someone."

"That's not my problem."

"You're missing the point, Kamui. It is your problem. I saw scars on his wrists and he doesn't look like he did when we were kids. Futhermore, he's always muttering about how it would be better if someone just let him die. Now, tell me."

"Does it look like I care? Now go suck a dick and fuck off."

He kept silent for a while, his glare still on mine until he heard a door swing from the bathroom. He gave one last stare at me before he cavorted off with Kaito, prattling foolishly about something.

* * *

"Gakupo-kun! Welcome ho—"

"Shut the fuck up, you harlot." I snapped at my mother and her face immediately faltered, not daring to say anything else as her eyes reflected a sudden glassiness I knew too well. Her lips trembled as her bony, deft fingers cleaned the dishes and I stomped to my room, swinging open the door violently and slamming it shut savagely. I threw my suitcase in a corner and slumped on my bed.

I didn't understand how my mother could still love me after how my attitude changed with draconian. I swore to her, offended her and gave her bad etiquette, but day after day, she'd always greet me with a week, unconditional and warm smile.

I swung open my bedroom door and stared outside. Just next to my house was Kaito's house. It was silent for a bit, until I heard the familiar 'clang' of guitar strings being hit against something and then the figures of Akaito and Kaito climbing up the house and sitting on the roof. Akaito held an acoustic guitar in his hand, smiling widely at Kaito before he shoved up closer next to him. He played a small tune on his guitar and by the looks of Kaito's face, he immediately recognized it. Not too long after, Akaito began to hum the melody and Kaito began singing along without a care.

_"If all our life is but a dream_

_Fantastic posing greed_

_Then we should feed our jewelry to the sea_

_For diamonds do appear to be_

_Just like broken glass to me"_

Kaito's voice had a bit of strain, but it still had the same sweetness and warmth that could shroud anyone with euphoria. I remembered the first and last time he sang just for me, but that was when we were only twelve.

I stared at him as he sang. Although he may be singing for Akaito, I was in that elated state of mind that he never failed to bring. As Kaito was lost in the chorus and Akaito was strumming along with the guitar, Akaito stopped all of a sudden. Kaito looked bemused until Akaito lunged forward and pushed his lips against his. My eyes dilated with shock.

"... I don't know what that idiot has done to you and I know you guys were really close friends... But I'm better and in all honesty... I think I deserve you more than he does. Give me a chance, Kaito?"

I bit my lower lip from trembling as I stared longingly at Kaito. As impractical my actions were, I reached my arm out the window and writhed for Kaito to notice me, but all my hopes were crumbled and broken when I saw Kaito mumble 'yes'.

* * *

**A/N: **To Guest flamer: Gakupo is seme, Kaito is uke. That is final. And I find it ironically funny that you tell me to go get a life when you're guest flaming people. Most of the GakuKai fans like Gakupo topping, and I won't make Kaito seme just for one person. So you can kindly shut the fuck up and walk away, because I've had enough of people who act like this.

Sorry for the short chapter btw! I feel like this is the story thats gonna be finished first 8D

Aaanyway! You see the rating has gotten up to M because spoiler alert!: GAKUPO RAPES KAITO SOON 8D

I'm sorry that shit doesn't happen in this and my writing is kinda low qual in here, but eh.

I really can't wait to write the next two chapters and the really cheesy ending of this story because idk. I'm a sadistic and cheesy perv so yeah.

And to the one who said that she's the 'badass uke', Ohohoho~ 8D I want to get a malesona of myself so YAOI GALORE 8D

UM, WELL YEAH. I'LL UPDATE QUICKLY. I HAVE CRAP TO UPDATE SO YEAH. BYE.

- Vana


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